Our favorite Catholic apologist claims he can prove, in just half a dozen steps, that IF there is an intelligent Creator (and he knows there is because a watch implies a watch-maker – although Dawkins’ “The Blind Watchmaker” demolished the application of that argument to the origin of the Universe), then the Catholic Church is His infallible spokesman and the sole source of salvation.  Let’s see if we can guess what are these Six Steps (which must seem to most people nothing less than a quantum leap) which he suggests we take to get from his beloved First Cause to bleeding hosts and all the other myths of his blindfaithblindfolly.

1.   The divine Creator made it easy for His human creatures to know all we need to know about Him, ourselves and our purpose and destiny, by inspiring some chosen members of His chosen race to put it all in the writings we call Sacred Scripture, the Bible.  How we know that He did this is not at all clear, but apparently some holy old men said that these writings, written by other holy old men, were God’s word so they are.

2.   Because the said Bible is His word, everything it says is necessarily true – so long as we ignore the tall tales and the fiction pretending to be fact.

3.   In case  you’re wondering, the Jewish Bible we know is His authentic word because the Prophets’ supposed prophecies were supposedly fulfilled.  Some of these prophecies promised the birth of a Messiah, which, we learn, naturally happened in the conditions foretold – with the help of some blatant fiction, including a certain Roman census which never took place.

4.   Jesus of Bethlehem (?)-Nazareth proved He was the Son of God by supposedly working miracles supposedly witnessed by thousands.  So all that He is said to have said is true.  Some people who heard about the “miracles” by hearsay were so convinced that they preferred torture and death rather than denial, thereby proving that the miracles really happened. 

5.   Jesus established a Church under the leadership of Peter, the first Pope, and guaranteed its divine guidance.  Nonetheless history would provide multiple examples of ghastly goings-on under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

6.   This Church is the Church of Rome, the one, true, infallible Catholic Church.  If the Church decides that Mary was assumed into Heaven, then she really was.  If it decides that bits of Christ’s flesh appeared on eucharistic hosts in Lanciano, and that similar hosts actually bled on the altar in Orvieto, it must be true.

Q. E. D.

“Six of the best”, the gentle Marist Brothers used to call the caning they practised.  Our Apostolic Apologist gives another meaning to the phrase with his Six Steps, presumably similar to those we have imagined, putting Catholic Theology and Apologetics in a nutshell, if not for nutters at least for the naïve.

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