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Anglosaxons do not eat pig; we eat pork.  “Porc” (Latin “porcus”) is the word in French for both the animal and the meat.  We take the dog, not our canine companion, for a walk.  We take a stroll; we do not ambulate or go on a promenade. Sometimes we prefer the harsher, less lyrical, teutonic words of Saxon.  (If 60% of English is derived from Latin, the meaning of a full 40% of our bastard mother tongue, with no relation to Latin roots, is difficult for speakers of modern Latin-based languages to guess.  “Tongue” is Saxon, “language” is Latin.)  As an ecclesiastic (Latin), a church-man (Saxon), I studied THEOLOGY, a word of double Greek origin (“theos” and “logos”), which is more elegant, sophisticated and academic than my neologism.  GODOLOGY is ugly, Saxon and Greek, but it is just as meaningless as “Theology”.  Whatever you call it, it is a discourse about … NoThing, about the NoBody most people unquestioningly believe actually exists.  As I have already suggested, “Fairyology” or “Hobbitology” would be far more fun and much more interesting, though about as useless as the nonsense I spent so long studying and even teaching.

One of Godology’s champions, Saint Anselm, less famous perhaps than other saintly scholars like Augustine, Albert and Aquinas, was remarkable for his invention of the ultimate in the hot air and hogwash which is God-talk.  Before him, other Godologians had come up with detailed identification of the attributes of the Godhead if not the Godtail.  He was, and is, and always will be, perfect.  In fact, “perfect” sums Him up … perfectly.  Now, opined Anselm, if we attribute perfection to Him, this must include the attribute of existence.  If He were not perfect, He would not be God, and if He didn’t exist, He wouldn’t be perfect.  Q.E.D.  The “ontological proof” (!) is simplicity itself.  The word is apt.  Only simpletons, like other Godologians, could accept it.

But Frank, surely you must have learned SOMETHING during all those years studying Dogmatic Godology, Moral Godology, Sacramental Godology, Maryology, Angelology and Whateverology !  Sure I did  !  I learned all anyone could ever want to know – and then some ! – about what other Godologians had dreamt up over the centuries and expressed in their corollaries to and glosses on the unfounded thesis that the deity, invented by primitive peoples and become the subject of the Sacred Writings of religions all contradicting each other, actually existed, created the world and all of us, expects that we obey – under pain of eternal punishment – the commandments concocted by their predecessors, and that we provide a living for them and a clerical caste we pay to remind us of the myths, make sure we obey the rules and join in the rituals to worship their imaginary business product and source of income who has shared with them not only inside info about how to avoid the Hell He created for His naughty children and secure a passport to Paradise for those lucky enough to be His Chosen Few, but special powers only they possess, the effects of which remain invisible like the NoBody Himself but are vital to our salvation.  (It would have been good if they had also taught us to be taut in the way we write, rather than gas on like their endless monotonous monologues which their long-suffering congregations are expected to listen to docilely every week.) 

When I realize the errors of my ways and revert back to believing the baloney, as some pious people pray that I do and as have a Flew (!) erstwhile atheists polluted by Pascal, I will walk around wearing a sandwich board, with, on one side, “Repent, The End Is Near !”, and on the other, “Support Your Local Godologian”.

                                        RIDENDA   RELIGIO

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