Last night the damnedest thing happened to me. It was 3:15 am, and as usual I woke up to answer Nature’s call. Octogenarians are accustomed to such interruptions while in the arms of Orpheus. But this time I thought I must have left the light on : the room was flooded with a light stronger than usual. When I got up and shuffled to the bathroom, the light followed me. When I looked in the mirror, I found out why : over and in back of my head was a brilliant disk of light, which I realized was a . . . halo !
Everyone knows why I have tickets on myself and consider myself not only an exceptional genius but an exceptionally gentle, generous, good guy – in fact the BEST person on Earth, the only atheist Saint I know. But I never expected it to show. I had turned into a Russian icon : Saint Frank. My first thought was that now my legendary modesty would be shot to hell – people would KNOW that I was a living Saint. I had often wondered how the others managed the notoriety and the paparazzi that come with recognized sainthood. I knew that I was now stuck with this bloody halo and had no idea how to turn it off. The only way out, I came to realize, was to commit a sin. The choice, I knew, was vast. But being a genius, I quickly found the solution. Pride is the first of the capital sins, so I would write a post in my Blog to BRAG about my sainthood. That’s what I’m doing here. As soon as this post is published, my halo will disappear. But I must confess it was tempting not to switch it off. Such courage and humility only go to show that I really am a Saint. Now I just have to die and wait for my posthumous canonization. Trouble is, being dead, I won’t even know that people will have started praying to me and that I have my own feast-day. But the best part is that my Blog will go viral. Readers will get 40 days’ Indulgence for every post they read, including this one, or better, a Plenary Indulgence for reading every post in the Blog.
Believers have to die to enjoy eternal bliss. I have to die to get my name in print. But once “WordPress” becomes “WorldPress”, “Frank O’Meara” will have become, like the Man from Snowy River, a household word.