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Last night the damnedest thing happened to me.  It was 3:15 am, and as usual I woke up to answer Nature’s call.  Octogenarians are accustomed to such interruptions while in the arms of Orpheus.  But this time I thought I must have left the light on : the room was flooded with a light stronger than usual.  When I got up and shuffled to the bathroom, the light followed me.  When I looked in the mirror, I found out why : over and in back of my head was a brilliant disk of light, which I realized was a . . . halo !

Everyone knows why I have tickets on myself and consider myself not only an exceptional genius but an exceptionally gentle, generous, good guy – in fact the BEST person on Earth, the only  atheist Saint I know.  But I never expected it to show.  I had turned into a Russian icon : Saint Frank.  My first thought was that now my legendary modesty would be shot to hell – people would KNOW that I was a living Saint.  I had often wondered how the others managed the notoriety and the paparazzi that come with recognized sainthood.  I knew that I was now stuck with this bloody halo and had no idea how to turn it off.  The only way out, I came to realize, was to commit a sin.  The choice, I knew, was vast.  But being a genius, I quickly found the solution.  Pride is the first of the capital sins, so I would write a post in my Blog to BRAG about my sainthood.  That’s what I’m doing here.  As soon as this post is published, my halo will disappear.  But I must confess it was tempting not to switch it off.  Such courage and humility only go to show that I really am a Saint.  Now I just have to die and wait for my posthumous canonization.  Trouble is, being dead, I won’t even know that people will have started praying to me and that I have my own feast-day.  But the best part is that my Blog will go viral.  Readers will get 40 days’ Indulgence for every post they read, including this one, or better, a Plenary Indulgence for reading every post in the Blog.

Believers have to die to enjoy eternal bliss.  I have to die to get my name in print.  But once “WordPress” becomes “WorldPress”, “Frank O’Meara” will have become, like the Man from Snowy River, a household word.

              RIDENDA      RELIGIO

 

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